You may not see them but the ships are out in the harbor and the bay looks great!

This is the view from Chris' penthouse room at the Vancouver General Hospital 9th floor.  His bathroom has 2 windows, floor to ceiling. He can sit on the toilet and admire False Creek!

Yes, I wish I could have a room view like that. But, I have managed to secure rooms at either the Best Western Uptown on Kingsway, or the Holiday Inn on Broadway.  Both have super rooms, great facilities and familiar surroundings.

If we have to be scared, and I know I am, then being scared in Vancouver is better than being in scared in Quesnel.  Here the transplant team is on top of every test, every decision.  We may have to wait for tests, but the tests take 24 hours not the 7 to 10 days of Quesnel labs.  Dr. Noel Alnahdi (sorry for bad spelling has been very helpful/informative and supportive.  She reviewed the biopsy results within 24 hours and identified the start of rejection in Chris.  We have been watching Chris' "numbers", and along with the new biopsy, everything confirms that his liver is under "attack".  Hence, the solumedrol (steroid) iv that Chris has had to have for the last 3 days (1 hr by iv).  Unfortunately that means that Chris will start all over again with the diabetes treatments, poor eyesight, bad sleep patterns, etc.  We hope he can hang in there until we get home for his insulin.

Worried - not really. So why the stress? Why am I feeling so overwhelmed and under attack? The fight or flight reaction is fully charged! I am ready to explode. This is ridiculous. I really need to get my head/heart/emotions back on track.

Prayers! That is what I need to refocus on. Prayers!

Normally, it's easy for you to narrow your concentration. Now, however, your imagination widens your vision as rational Mercury harmonizes with surreal Neptune. This heightened awareness enables you to see yourself in new ways, especially with respect to your job or daily routine. Choose your destination wisely and dream up a path that takes you there.

This was my horoscope for today. No wonder I am so “out there”. I cannot focus on what needs to be done. At least I did the necessary stuff – ie. Go to office and work on financial statement styles with Robyn.

 Now I just see creativity – mini scrap albums from scratch – art journaling – fancy cards etc. So where is my energy to make my scrap room look better? Hmm – at the bottom of the wine bottle? That is a scary image for me. I love my wine, but it must not take the place of the things I love.

So water plants, enjoy outside and music and wine - but, get inside to my scrap room and start to organize the bags of goodies I have collected. I can do it!

I have been following this blogger for months and love her insight.  I am a procrastinor and never do the writing I so want to do. That is going to change - and now I want to get my blog going for my business too. No problems - right?

Step 1: Identify What You’re Good At
Think about your line of products or services. Some realize better profits, take less time to complete and are more fun to work with. These are the ones you want to zero in on.

Step 2: Admit What’s Dragging You Down
It can be scary to turn down business, especially when you’re not making a lot of money. But as soon as you do, you start to attract more of the types of customers you really want more of.

Step 3: Keep Focused
As any small business owner knows, it can be scary to swing from project to project. You may not know what’s around the corner financially, and that can make you more inclined to take on work that you shouldn’t. But trust me; I speak from experience. It’s best to get really good at the handful of things you enjoy working on and let someone else handle the rest. The added perk is that you beef up your experience in this field, and start getting word-of-mouth referrals for your great work!
Now…what will you let go of?

Susan Payton is the President of Egg Marketing & Communications, an internet marketing firm specializing in marketing communications, copywriting and blog posts. She’s written two books: 101 Entrepreneur Tips and Internet Marketing Strategies for Entrepreneurs, and has blogged for several sites, including The Marketing Eggspert Blog, as well as Mashable, Small Business Trends, FutureSimple, and Lead411. Follow her on Twitter @eggmarketing.

U of T law school adopts new grading system

After 2 years of studying how to make stressed-out students worry less about marks and actually enjoy their studies, the University of Toronto's law school is considering a proposal to scrap its letter-grade system in favour of 5 broader categories of marks: High Honours, Honours, Pass, Low Pass, and Fail. The school may also start telling faculty members roughly how many students should fall in each category in order to avoid wild variation in grades from class to class. "We’re trying to shift the culture and give students permission to really follow their interests and not just focus on what marks they get in a course," says the law school's assistant dean of students. It’s part of a larger effort to address mental-health issues across Canadian universities, she says, "and quite frankly, it’s good advice for your career as well." Stress-busting initiatives include yoga, foot massages, and "Doggie Day," where law students can play with and walk pooches on hand. One student says she appreciates faculty efforts to reduce the stress "that can sometimes run amok because of the competitive group of students law schools attract." Toronto Star :  U of T law school adopts new grading system

I am so terrified that this is actually happening. Apparently major educators such as Harvard, Stanford, Berkeley, and Yale, have already dropped letter grades and use the "title" method of grading.  Of more problem is the administration having any say in how many have to fit into each grading category. That means that a student may fail because there aren't enough failing this year, not because that student doesn't know the material. Or alternatively, a high honours student gets dropped to honours since there are already too many in the high honours category! At the end of a year you may have high honours students knowing less than 50% of the course material because they have to fit in the categories and not mess with the scale! How rediculous - and terrifying.

Remember this

I received this in an email from Christy Kennedy (girlfriend and amazing woman). She reminded me what I truly believe is important - loving others and giving all you can to make other feel special.     She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional. There's only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she's worth!

Music to live (love) by

Lately I have been captivated by the music on my Sirius Radio. I found an amazing channel that everyone loves (not just me!) Chris says it sounds just like his Ipod music and that  is a high compliment for sure - LOL! Sam and Jeff comment every time they are here that they hear an amazing song they haven't heard in a long time, or that they loved years ago etc. Dianne will just sit and listen and not want to change the channel - a definite stamp of approval. Tom can sit and read for hours with this on and only occasionally look up and say "Hey, great song!"

The fact that I will leave my bedroom and the PVR with all my favs recorded, to just sit in the living room with my music playing and read or surf on my computer - well, I KNOW how amazing that is.

Right now it is the The Beatles - Long Winding Road playing and I am taken back to the day ...  Melancholy? Maybe. But it is harder and harder for this OLD mind to remember special events in my own life that I want to scrapbook, write about, or just think of. I need the reminders that music brings to me.  Sirius, Love Channel # 17 is the one for me! Now to try to remember that . . .

Finally the end . . .

In the Moment

When I was a young mom . . . ok, this was when I lived in Rocky Mountain House around 1986 . . I went to a cabin fever event for women. At the end of the weekend event, we had a "visualization" exercise where we were to picture where we would be in 5, 10, 20 years from then. Strangely enough I had a shockingly clear picture of being retired in a small, comfortable home with over stuffed sofa and chair where I sat surrounded by cluttered side tables with pictures of children/grandchildren. Tom was in the kitchen just off the living room, making tea for us. There was a fireplace. Family pictures adorned walls, mantel and tables. There were doilies on tables and even the arms of the sofa and chair.

I have held on to this vision, because I have always "known" that Tom would be with me in my "old" age, and making tea in a loving and nurturing environment. I am loved and cared for.

Now - picture, April. 28, 2012. I am 59 and Tom is 64. I am sitting in my living room with the gas fireplace running. Sirius radio is playing love songs in the background and I am sitting in my glider rocker. Tom is sitting on the sofa beside me. He is reading his Kobo (not invented yet in 1986). We have apple martinis to sip on. I am at peace. Life is good and I am so fortunate to be loved and cared for.

Please let this "visualization" and "reality" be forever in my memory. This is who I am and where I belong.

Remember the day . . .

Purple velvet jumpsuit . . .
Pink blousy satin long sleeved blouse . . .
Heeled boots . . .
Long straight hair . . .
"Endless Love" music by Diana Ross and Lionel Ritchie at the school dance . . .
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zo2anocfyVw&feature=fvst
Varnished wood slat floor of the gym . . .
Funky lighting . . .

Yup, I am there!  Just heard this song on Sirius Radio and it took me back to a dance when I was in grade 12 and met a guy that could DANCE! We danced song after song! It wasn't until the following school day (Monday of course) that I discovered he was in grade 10! Oh, the humiliation! I fraternized with a kid!

It was ok with my girlfriends, but my class felt I had somehow betrayed them. I was a senior. How could I have lowered myself to dance with a young punk?

Because he DANCED! He didn't just grope or hold you so close you couldn't breathe so he could cop a feel. He had style and panache! And I loved the artist in him . . .

Peer pressure - do I give in and never dance with him again? Thankfully, NO! I enjoyed every dance that senior year.  Thanks to Gary Smith! Wherever you are Gary - thank you!

This is it!

What have I been missing since Vancouver?? Finally, I have the same feeling that I had in Vancouver when I managed to go out at 8:30 pm and wander down to Grandville Street and sit down at Luke's and enjoy a glass of wine while I read a book. I would then order a light meal and head home at 10ish feeling slightly warm and fuzzy and amazingly relieved and joyful even.

Today I stopped in at The Rock bar at 4:30 with my new Sherrilyn Kenyon book and ordered a white wine. It was amazing. I looked out over the Fraser River and Front Street at the City of Quesnel and rejoiced in being in that spot at that time. I read and looked . . . I sipped and enjoyed, just like Vancouver.

Better than Vancouver, Samantha joined me for a glass of wine at 5pm and we chatted and laughed and shared. I loved the friendship and sharing that having a daughter as a best friend can give me.  After she left, I finished my second glass of wine & a plate of chips before heading home.

I feel renewed. I feel warm and real. This is it! This is what I have missed in my life. The sense that I could have a glass of wine and enjoy a book without having to BE SOMEWHERE, DOING SOMETHING! I love my life.

No, it is NOT "again"

Imagine the trauma of putting your son back in the hospital ONE YEAR TO THE DAY of his liver failure and emergency transport to Vancouver General Hospital.  The emotions were overwhelming . . . fear, frustration, disappointment, anger . . .  The swirl of emotions went on all day. How could he go back into that place? How dare he? How dare God let this happen again? What could I do? Could I do anything? Why me?

It took a day of being with family and shopping around town and refocussing on my granddaughter's birthday to get through the day - poorly, by the way. When the deep fryer overflowed with foam from the coconut oil . . . last straw and I broke. I could not think of what to do or how to carry on. Thankfully my son-in-law saved the day and took over the kitchen so I could run away. Broken is a great way to describe how I felt. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, I was broken.

Thankfully, with family and God holding me steady, I have recovered. I still have moments of terror, but they are just moments. I still wonder what lesson I have to learn that God is making me go through this again, and then I get angry that it may be someone else that needs the lesson and we are all going through this for them. How wrong.

I can face each day - I have to remember that I only have to be my son's Mother. I have done that for 33 years and it is very easy to do. Nothing magically required here at all. A Mother's love - that is all.

Life goes on

I think I need to make an appointment to spend time with myself. I want to sit down during the day and write in my journal. I want a cup of coffee. I want to spend at least an hour pouring my heart out on the pages of my journal. My fireplace will be on and the Sirius radio will be playing old love songs. I don't want to have a place to rush off to. I don't want my phone to ring or friends to drop in. I want to spend one-on-one time with ME!

Remember my coffee breaks/wine breaks at Luke's in Vancouver? Those were at least 3 or 4 times a week. It has been 3 months since I managed to sit, drink and write without interruption in public. Time to find a new place to veg out with my coffee. Maybe Bliss and I will start a new romance . . . Maybe the Rock . . . Maybe McDonalds . . .  I will find a place.

Don't get me wrong - I love my life. I love my family and the rush of being around my grandchildren. Knowing I am needed at the office is quite the compliment to my ego. As tiring as adding working to my life right now, it is still good for me. So now I have to make amends with myself. I need to redefine this "new life" and accept the good with the bad. I can no longer pretend to be retired. It is time to rejoin the living and get on with my real life. Consider this a slap on the back of the head.

BABYSITTING!

My daughter and her husband headed off to Cancun on Friday . . . and hubby and I moved into their house to care for their 3 girls, aged 2, 4, and 6. Feeling completely overwhelmed, we dove into the routines of mini meals, nap times, craft times etc. Yes, I am relying on the television to take some of the stress off me during meal preps and when I am trying to do one of the 2000 loads of laundry that appears to build faster than I can tear it down. LOL

Uncle Chris is a big help, as is the exchange student from France, Moise.

Should I survive till Tuesday when the other grandma is coming to take over, I will probably sleep for a week! Pics and sharing to come.

"Artful Blogging"

My copy of "Artful Blogging" magazine arrived over a week ago.  I have been reading one or two articles a day - dragging out the experience as much as I possibly can. This is my last copy of my subscription, but at $67.95 for a year .  .  . that is expensive. The magazines are over $17 each and they only come out 4 times a year. I admit that I start looking for mine at least a month early and anxiously await the mail each quarter. It is just so much cost!

The articles are very similar in content - each writer states how important blogging has been in their life and there are multiple pics of their sites with an occasional partial posting from their blog. Every time I read through the magazine, I am inspired, defeated, encouraged, discouraged, enthused and left flat. I don't feel I will ever have the type of blog that is in this magazine. My photos are not great - I don't have super stuff to share or rave about. My life is pretty boring for others to watch.

I do wish I had rooms and displays that are pictured in this magazine. If I went around my house "staging" pics for my blog . . . well, that would not take very long at all. I don't feel my home is very photogenic - like me, I guess. The beauty in my home comes from how I feel in it, not the image it makes. The colors, layout and, yes, clutter, are all part of the charm of feeling at home. I guess that is why I am not "artful", LOL!

Friendship?

So a little honesty is great - but, what happens if your best friend just doesn't "get it"? Even though I was blunt and told the truth in all things, my friend felt that the "truth" was funny. Silly even.  I did get to vent and say exactly what I was thinking without holding back. I even called her out on some of the comments she made, such as how she "invited us out for dinner" last night and then WE paid for it. She laughed and thought that was funny. Her comment that "you are rich", hit a particular nerve that meant I had to respond with a comment about how rude she was! That of all people she should know how difficult finances were for us now. She didn't even blink.  So is she so blind to her affect on me or how her words hurt? Whatever the reason, she took all my comments as truth and funny. So we carry on.

Maybe some day we can get to an honest relationship, but maybe for now, this is all she can be. For whatever reason, I am satisfied for now that I can hold my own and be truthful and not take any "guff" from my friend. I do enjoy doing things with her, like scrapbooking. Maybe that is enough. I hope so.

Honesty

There are times in my life when I feel that I am living a lie. When I want to just scream out to the world that "No! Everything is NOT all right!" When the pain and agony inside is writhing and I want to vomit the bad out of me.

There are some friends that can handle that honesty. If we are lucky we will have one or two in a lifetime that not only "handles" those times, but rises to the occasion to help you through the worst. I used to think that I didn't need that special friend, that my family and spouse were enough. But, we tend to protect those closest to us. We don't want to increase their pain and agony during the rough times, so we hold our own feelings inside and just let the "acceptable" measure of sharing slip through. Is that being dishonest - probably. It is similar to the "little white lie" that allows us to not hurt those around us. Those times of being not totally truthful.

So what would happen if I decided to be totally honest - brutally so. Is it better to say nothing at all rather than something not nice - if it is honest? Am I being unfair or uncaring if I don't call a spade a spade? Is it to protect me or my friend? my friendship? Some friendships cannot handle honesty. Does than make them worth less? Is a dishonest friendship better than no friendship at all? Ouch!

So perhaps a little honesty is in order . . . Is that dishonest if it isn't totally honest? If I am afraid of saying what is on my mind and coming between me and my friend, do I really have a friendship at all? What would happen if I stated what was eating me up? Would my friend make light of it? Belittle my feelings and fears? If my friend did respond that way, what would I do? Would I walk away?

You would think that at 59 I should have all these answers. But I have discovered that life is made up of mainly grey. There is little that is black and white to choose from. There is no winner, just someone who loses less that the other. I have learned that sometimes it is better to let it go than to scramble to hang on. Has that made me weak? I hope not. I hope it has made me more tolerant and understanding of others. I hope that it has given me strength to forgive and forget.

Tomorrow will be a day spent with my friend who has offended me every time I have spoken to her in the past 3 weeks. From flippant comments to her uncaring attitude about anything that doesn't affect her, I have listened and winced from the flick of the whip she has wielded. So why am I planning to spend the day with her - because I don't believe in just walking away and not letting the person know why I am leaving. So does that mean I am "leaving" the friendship? Maybe I am hoping that if I spend time with her, I will rediscover the "friend" I used to know. Maybe I am missing something that is important in her life and I am being uncaring without realizing it. I do feel I have to give this friendship another chance to flourish.

So there - my answer is that I am willing to muffle honesty to work with others. I am willing to hold my tongue and observe and listen. It may come to complete honesty if the situation warrants it. If I want to have this friendship flourish and grow, I will have to share the truth - just not necessarily the whole truth. Wow, that just sounds wrong.

3:30 am – again

Every night is the same – wake up, look at the clock and hope it says 6 or 7 am only to see the hour as 1:xx or 2:xx or 3:xx. So I get up and visit the bathroom, get a drink of water (I am so dehydrated lately) and head back to sleep, only to repeat the same process an hour later.  This has been going on for over 3 weeks now. My best sleep is usually from 5:xx to 8:xx when I should have been up 2 hours earlier.

Let’s explore the reasons for my restlessness and try to discover the way to a long restful sleep.

Yes, I am finally home after months (literally) of being away in my own apartment, on my own schedule and with minimal demands from others. It has been an awkward adjustment to being home where my family keeps me on my toes. I missed them dearly and would not give up the busy-ness of their lives for the world. Being with them and experiencing the growth and development of my grandchildren (an my children) is a gift like no other. Yes there are days I drop from exhaustion – so all the more reason to ask, “Where is my restful sleep?”

Yes, I have been waiting for my house renovations to be completed so I could unpack my scrapbooking room and reorganize my writing space – both personal spaces in my home for me. I have felt rather lost without those spaces to call my own, and without a place for all the “stuff” sitting in my front entrance and living room looking for its own home. Sitting at the dining room table and writing in my journal is just not quite the same as sitting at my writing desk, surrounded by my special inks and paper as I pour out my heart and soul to God. It makes me miss the “old life in Vancouver” where early mornings found me bent over my desk, with my light on, sharing time with God and enjoying the frequent synchronicity in my life. So I have a sense of being lacking – where one side of the wheel of my life is slightly flat causing me to jerk through life – and sleep, obviously.

Yes, I have recently headed back into the office – cue dirge music please. I had hoped that Sam and Linnea where right when they told everyone I probably would not be back: that my sabbatical away was the first step to retirement. I really wanted to believe it could happen. I don’t feel mentally sharp right now. I have noticed that I don’t multitask the way I used to. I move slower. Think slower. I do feel old some days. All these things do not make for a positive force to going back to work, but I am. Due to staffing issues and specialized demand for my skills, I am in the office 4-6 hours 4 days a week for the last couple of weeks. This is definitely cutting in to my time to get settled in my new home.  I really wanted to walk more, cook more, and enjoy cleaning and keeping house more. Instead, I whisk through my house noticing the dust bunnies gathering under furniture on my new hardwood floors, and power through family meals and lunches. I have kept my priorities right in focussing on my family, but my home is showing the dust and water spots that accumulate quickly when you don’t pay attention. This brings on the guilt which is not conducive to restful sleep.

Yes, I am worried. With a daughter heading for surgery for melanoma tomorrow, and a son coming out of liver rejection, I do find my mind tripping over the “what ifs” of life. Leaving it to God’s will is just not that easy some days. My need to control just takes over and get all stirred up. Yes, I will finally turn to God and say, “Ok, I know you have the answers, and I know you love my children more than I do, but could you just please let me in on your plan today? I need to know where this is heading – if it is all ending in good of course.” My mind races and my heart rate speeds up. I lose focus and start to go in circles. Guess I can’t sleep, eh?

Maybe I should just take a pill and go to bed – looking back at my writing, I am even more stressed and feeling justifiably worried: so much for writing things down to get perspective. This has not had the expected outcome. I now feel far more anxious, and less apt to sleep at all tonight. So I guess the time has come to give it up to God: to let Him make the decisions that are so right for me. It is hard to believe he has time to spare on my little life, but as his daughter, of course he does. His plans are so much better than anything I could ever come up with anyways. I do have to learn to go to Him first rather than later when life has beaten me down. That is another thing to think about when I can’t sleep, right?

God, this is Hilma, again. I have been so busy “taking care of things” that I have forgotten to look to You.   I have not turned my worries over to Your capable hands. You have loved me my whole life and given me so much to be thankful for. Yes, I trust You to make the decisions best for me and my family. I put my daughter in Your hands, and, yes, I know that she is actually Your daughter that I have been entrusted with over the years. It is hard to let go of old habits. You have also been close to my son during the all the medical and personal trials, so I know I can leave him in Your hands. My work . . . well that feels different, but I know You have a plan for me there too. Please let me appreciate your love and support as I try to let go of all those things that keep me from praising You. Thank You for all the synchronicity in my life. I see Your handiwork all around me and praise You.   In Christ’s name, Amen.