3:30 am – again

Every night is the same – wake up, look at the clock and hope it says 6 or 7 am only to see the hour as 1:xx or 2:xx or 3:xx. So I get up and visit the bathroom, get a drink of water (I am so dehydrated lately) and head back to sleep, only to repeat the same process an hour later.  This has been going on for over 3 weeks now. My best sleep is usually from 5:xx to 8:xx when I should have been up 2 hours earlier.

Let’s explore the reasons for my restlessness and try to discover the way to a long restful sleep.

Yes, I am finally home after months (literally) of being away in my own apartment, on my own schedule and with minimal demands from others. It has been an awkward adjustment to being home where my family keeps me on my toes. I missed them dearly and would not give up the busy-ness of their lives for the world. Being with them and experiencing the growth and development of my grandchildren (an my children) is a gift like no other. Yes there are days I drop from exhaustion – so all the more reason to ask, “Where is my restful sleep?”

Yes, I have been waiting for my house renovations to be completed so I could unpack my scrapbooking room and reorganize my writing space – both personal spaces in my home for me. I have felt rather lost without those spaces to call my own, and without a place for all the “stuff” sitting in my front entrance and living room looking for its own home. Sitting at the dining room table and writing in my journal is just not quite the same as sitting at my writing desk, surrounded by my special inks and paper as I pour out my heart and soul to God. It makes me miss the “old life in Vancouver” where early mornings found me bent over my desk, with my light on, sharing time with God and enjoying the frequent synchronicity in my life. So I have a sense of being lacking – where one side of the wheel of my life is slightly flat causing me to jerk through life – and sleep, obviously.

Yes, I have recently headed back into the office – cue dirge music please. I had hoped that Sam and Linnea where right when they told everyone I probably would not be back: that my sabbatical away was the first step to retirement. I really wanted to believe it could happen. I don’t feel mentally sharp right now. I have noticed that I don’t multitask the way I used to. I move slower. Think slower. I do feel old some days. All these things do not make for a positive force to going back to work, but I am. Due to staffing issues and specialized demand for my skills, I am in the office 4-6 hours 4 days a week for the last couple of weeks. This is definitely cutting in to my time to get settled in my new home.  I really wanted to walk more, cook more, and enjoy cleaning and keeping house more. Instead, I whisk through my house noticing the dust bunnies gathering under furniture on my new hardwood floors, and power through family meals and lunches. I have kept my priorities right in focussing on my family, but my home is showing the dust and water spots that accumulate quickly when you don’t pay attention. This brings on the guilt which is not conducive to restful sleep.

Yes, I am worried. With a daughter heading for surgery for melanoma tomorrow, and a son coming out of liver rejection, I do find my mind tripping over the “what ifs” of life. Leaving it to God’s will is just not that easy some days. My need to control just takes over and get all stirred up. Yes, I will finally turn to God and say, “Ok, I know you have the answers, and I know you love my children more than I do, but could you just please let me in on your plan today? I need to know where this is heading – if it is all ending in good of course.” My mind races and my heart rate speeds up. I lose focus and start to go in circles. Guess I can’t sleep, eh?

Maybe I should just take a pill and go to bed – looking back at my writing, I am even more stressed and feeling justifiably worried: so much for writing things down to get perspective. This has not had the expected outcome. I now feel far more anxious, and less apt to sleep at all tonight. So I guess the time has come to give it up to God: to let Him make the decisions that are so right for me. It is hard to believe he has time to spare on my little life, but as his daughter, of course he does. His plans are so much better than anything I could ever come up with anyways. I do have to learn to go to Him first rather than later when life has beaten me down. That is another thing to think about when I can’t sleep, right?

God, this is Hilma, again. I have been so busy “taking care of things” that I have forgotten to look to You.   I have not turned my worries over to Your capable hands. You have loved me my whole life and given me so much to be thankful for. Yes, I trust You to make the decisions best for me and my family. I put my daughter in Your hands, and, yes, I know that she is actually Your daughter that I have been entrusted with over the years. It is hard to let go of old habits. You have also been close to my son during the all the medical and personal trials, so I know I can leave him in Your hands. My work . . . well that feels different, but I know You have a plan for me there too. Please let me appreciate your love and support as I try to let go of all those things that keep me from praising You. Thank You for all the synchronicity in my life. I see Your handiwork all around me and praise You.   In Christ’s name, Amen.