Life goes on

I think I need to make an appointment to spend time with myself. I want to sit down during the day and write in my journal. I want a cup of coffee. I want to spend at least an hour pouring my heart out on the pages of my journal. My fireplace will be on and the Sirius radio will be playing old love songs. I don't want to have a place to rush off to. I don't want my phone to ring or friends to drop in. I want to spend one-on-one time with ME!

Remember my coffee breaks/wine breaks at Luke's in Vancouver? Those were at least 3 or 4 times a week. It has been 3 months since I managed to sit, drink and write without interruption in public. Time to find a new place to veg out with my coffee. Maybe Bliss and I will start a new romance . . . Maybe the Rock . . . Maybe McDonalds . . .  I will find a place.

Don't get me wrong - I love my life. I love my family and the rush of being around my grandchildren. Knowing I am needed at the office is quite the compliment to my ego. As tiring as adding working to my life right now, it is still good for me. So now I have to make amends with myself. I need to redefine this "new life" and accept the good with the bad. I can no longer pretend to be retired. It is time to rejoin the living and get on with my real life. Consider this a slap on the back of the head.

BABYSITTING!

My daughter and her husband headed off to Cancun on Friday . . . and hubby and I moved into their house to care for their 3 girls, aged 2, 4, and 6. Feeling completely overwhelmed, we dove into the routines of mini meals, nap times, craft times etc. Yes, I am relying on the television to take some of the stress off me during meal preps and when I am trying to do one of the 2000 loads of laundry that appears to build faster than I can tear it down. LOL

Uncle Chris is a big help, as is the exchange student from France, Moise.

Should I survive till Tuesday when the other grandma is coming to take over, I will probably sleep for a week! Pics and sharing to come.

"Artful Blogging"

My copy of "Artful Blogging" magazine arrived over a week ago.  I have been reading one or two articles a day - dragging out the experience as much as I possibly can. This is my last copy of my subscription, but at $67.95 for a year .  .  . that is expensive. The magazines are over $17 each and they only come out 4 times a year. I admit that I start looking for mine at least a month early and anxiously await the mail each quarter. It is just so much cost!

The articles are very similar in content - each writer states how important blogging has been in their life and there are multiple pics of their sites with an occasional partial posting from their blog. Every time I read through the magazine, I am inspired, defeated, encouraged, discouraged, enthused and left flat. I don't feel I will ever have the type of blog that is in this magazine. My photos are not great - I don't have super stuff to share or rave about. My life is pretty boring for others to watch.

I do wish I had rooms and displays that are pictured in this magazine. If I went around my house "staging" pics for my blog . . . well, that would not take very long at all. I don't feel my home is very photogenic - like me, I guess. The beauty in my home comes from how I feel in it, not the image it makes. The colors, layout and, yes, clutter, are all part of the charm of feeling at home. I guess that is why I am not "artful", LOL!

Friendship?

So a little honesty is great - but, what happens if your best friend just doesn't "get it"? Even though I was blunt and told the truth in all things, my friend felt that the "truth" was funny. Silly even.  I did get to vent and say exactly what I was thinking without holding back. I even called her out on some of the comments she made, such as how she "invited us out for dinner" last night and then WE paid for it. She laughed and thought that was funny. Her comment that "you are rich", hit a particular nerve that meant I had to respond with a comment about how rude she was! That of all people she should know how difficult finances were for us now. She didn't even blink.  So is she so blind to her affect on me or how her words hurt? Whatever the reason, she took all my comments as truth and funny. So we carry on.

Maybe some day we can get to an honest relationship, but maybe for now, this is all she can be. For whatever reason, I am satisfied for now that I can hold my own and be truthful and not take any "guff" from my friend. I do enjoy doing things with her, like scrapbooking. Maybe that is enough. I hope so.

Honesty

There are times in my life when I feel that I am living a lie. When I want to just scream out to the world that "No! Everything is NOT all right!" When the pain and agony inside is writhing and I want to vomit the bad out of me.

There are some friends that can handle that honesty. If we are lucky we will have one or two in a lifetime that not only "handles" those times, but rises to the occasion to help you through the worst. I used to think that I didn't need that special friend, that my family and spouse were enough. But, we tend to protect those closest to us. We don't want to increase their pain and agony during the rough times, so we hold our own feelings inside and just let the "acceptable" measure of sharing slip through. Is that being dishonest - probably. It is similar to the "little white lie" that allows us to not hurt those around us. Those times of being not totally truthful.

So what would happen if I decided to be totally honest - brutally so. Is it better to say nothing at all rather than something not nice - if it is honest? Am I being unfair or uncaring if I don't call a spade a spade? Is it to protect me or my friend? my friendship? Some friendships cannot handle honesty. Does than make them worth less? Is a dishonest friendship better than no friendship at all? Ouch!

So perhaps a little honesty is in order . . . Is that dishonest if it isn't totally honest? If I am afraid of saying what is on my mind and coming between me and my friend, do I really have a friendship at all? What would happen if I stated what was eating me up? Would my friend make light of it? Belittle my feelings and fears? If my friend did respond that way, what would I do? Would I walk away?

You would think that at 59 I should have all these answers. But I have discovered that life is made up of mainly grey. There is little that is black and white to choose from. There is no winner, just someone who loses less that the other. I have learned that sometimes it is better to let it go than to scramble to hang on. Has that made me weak? I hope not. I hope it has made me more tolerant and understanding of others. I hope that it has given me strength to forgive and forget.

Tomorrow will be a day spent with my friend who has offended me every time I have spoken to her in the past 3 weeks. From flippant comments to her uncaring attitude about anything that doesn't affect her, I have listened and winced from the flick of the whip she has wielded. So why am I planning to spend the day with her - because I don't believe in just walking away and not letting the person know why I am leaving. So does that mean I am "leaving" the friendship? Maybe I am hoping that if I spend time with her, I will rediscover the "friend" I used to know. Maybe I am missing something that is important in her life and I am being uncaring without realizing it. I do feel I have to give this friendship another chance to flourish.

So there - my answer is that I am willing to muffle honesty to work with others. I am willing to hold my tongue and observe and listen. It may come to complete honesty if the situation warrants it. If I want to have this friendship flourish and grow, I will have to share the truth - just not necessarily the whole truth. Wow, that just sounds wrong.

3:30 am – again

Every night is the same – wake up, look at the clock and hope it says 6 or 7 am only to see the hour as 1:xx or 2:xx or 3:xx. So I get up and visit the bathroom, get a drink of water (I am so dehydrated lately) and head back to sleep, only to repeat the same process an hour later.  This has been going on for over 3 weeks now. My best sleep is usually from 5:xx to 8:xx when I should have been up 2 hours earlier.

Let’s explore the reasons for my restlessness and try to discover the way to a long restful sleep.

Yes, I am finally home after months (literally) of being away in my own apartment, on my own schedule and with minimal demands from others. It has been an awkward adjustment to being home where my family keeps me on my toes. I missed them dearly and would not give up the busy-ness of their lives for the world. Being with them and experiencing the growth and development of my grandchildren (an my children) is a gift like no other. Yes there are days I drop from exhaustion – so all the more reason to ask, “Where is my restful sleep?”

Yes, I have been waiting for my house renovations to be completed so I could unpack my scrapbooking room and reorganize my writing space – both personal spaces in my home for me. I have felt rather lost without those spaces to call my own, and without a place for all the “stuff” sitting in my front entrance and living room looking for its own home. Sitting at the dining room table and writing in my journal is just not quite the same as sitting at my writing desk, surrounded by my special inks and paper as I pour out my heart and soul to God. It makes me miss the “old life in Vancouver” where early mornings found me bent over my desk, with my light on, sharing time with God and enjoying the frequent synchronicity in my life. So I have a sense of being lacking – where one side of the wheel of my life is slightly flat causing me to jerk through life – and sleep, obviously.

Yes, I have recently headed back into the office – cue dirge music please. I had hoped that Sam and Linnea where right when they told everyone I probably would not be back: that my sabbatical away was the first step to retirement. I really wanted to believe it could happen. I don’t feel mentally sharp right now. I have noticed that I don’t multitask the way I used to. I move slower. Think slower. I do feel old some days. All these things do not make for a positive force to going back to work, but I am. Due to staffing issues and specialized demand for my skills, I am in the office 4-6 hours 4 days a week for the last couple of weeks. This is definitely cutting in to my time to get settled in my new home.  I really wanted to walk more, cook more, and enjoy cleaning and keeping house more. Instead, I whisk through my house noticing the dust bunnies gathering under furniture on my new hardwood floors, and power through family meals and lunches. I have kept my priorities right in focussing on my family, but my home is showing the dust and water spots that accumulate quickly when you don’t pay attention. This brings on the guilt which is not conducive to restful sleep.

Yes, I am worried. With a daughter heading for surgery for melanoma tomorrow, and a son coming out of liver rejection, I do find my mind tripping over the “what ifs” of life. Leaving it to God’s will is just not that easy some days. My need to control just takes over and get all stirred up. Yes, I will finally turn to God and say, “Ok, I know you have the answers, and I know you love my children more than I do, but could you just please let me in on your plan today? I need to know where this is heading – if it is all ending in good of course.” My mind races and my heart rate speeds up. I lose focus and start to go in circles. Guess I can’t sleep, eh?

Maybe I should just take a pill and go to bed – looking back at my writing, I am even more stressed and feeling justifiably worried: so much for writing things down to get perspective. This has not had the expected outcome. I now feel far more anxious, and less apt to sleep at all tonight. So I guess the time has come to give it up to God: to let Him make the decisions that are so right for me. It is hard to believe he has time to spare on my little life, but as his daughter, of course he does. His plans are so much better than anything I could ever come up with anyways. I do have to learn to go to Him first rather than later when life has beaten me down. That is another thing to think about when I can’t sleep, right?

God, this is Hilma, again. I have been so busy “taking care of things” that I have forgotten to look to You.   I have not turned my worries over to Your capable hands. You have loved me my whole life and given me so much to be thankful for. Yes, I trust You to make the decisions best for me and my family. I put my daughter in Your hands, and, yes, I know that she is actually Your daughter that I have been entrusted with over the years. It is hard to let go of old habits. You have also been close to my son during the all the medical and personal trials, so I know I can leave him in Your hands. My work . . . well that feels different, but I know You have a plan for me there too. Please let me appreciate your love and support as I try to let go of all those things that keep me from praising You. Thank You for all the synchronicity in my life. I see Your handiwork all around me and praise You.   In Christ’s name, Amen.