Many of us are afraid to be alone. We are afraid that if no one else is around, no one will be present - or that we will be in and will BE, a void. When we lose the awareness of ourselves, we try to fill up our time with work, busy-ness, food and other people. It never works. When no one is around, you have the potential to be with a very interesting person.
Ok, I was with that quote right up to the last sentence. That tells you what kind of day I am having. I did not sleep well last night. I woke up this morning feeling a complete failure - a piece of useless flesh that is not living up to any of her commitments or promises. In my mind, I am not with Chris as much as I feel I should be, and when I am there, I usually have too many questions, and like yesterday, have input to the nurse that may not be helpful or supportive at all. Sometimes I imagine they really would like the family to just stay away. Obviously I am not at the office during the busiest season of the year - taxtime. I am not at home doing the most rudimentary of housework, cooking, laundry, etc. I am not with my husband supporting him during HIS busiest time of the year either! I am not helping Samantha with her busy life and children and husband. I am not working with my grandsons as they stumble through school. I am not helping Dianne find her new life in Quesnel - because she is HERE helping ME! I am not covering my end of the world (Quesnel), leaving Shane to carry that particular load. And, let's not even start on money!!!
Ok, so on a good day, I am trying to be upbeat and positive for Chris. I try to keep the family informed of all the things changing for him on a day to day basis without worrying them unnecessarily about little bumps. I think the problem is that I am enjoying my life here (outside the hospital) a little too much. I am spending way too much $$ on my apartment and food and living the life I want. (Yes, I am buying organic, cooking organic, recycling, etc. - I am going green!) I love my quiet time to read, crochet (at the hospital only), and eventually make cards and do some basic scrapbooking to stay creative. I love the city and the shops and different places - maybe too much?
Next weekend is Easter and maybe I should go to Quesnel with Shane and the boys and put in the last week of April doing WORK! My fear is that I may be unable to think about work. When I am not at the hospital, I cannot even plan a budget or work with numbers. How could I do taxes efficiently or work on client's books? Would I be able to? And if I couldn't, what do I do then? I am definitely not feeling very capable, or useful.
No comments:
Post a Comment